Why I disappeared during lockdown...

I wrote this blog a little while ago and was unsure how long I’d leave it to post but feels only right now that lockdown has been eased and we are all slowly getting back to ‘normal’ to post now. Deep breath...

Exactly 3 months ago I took a social media break.

One month into lockdown, I’d already caught covid-19 and recovered from it. I then had the flooring realisation that my job market was going to be practically non existent in the near future. I was getting multiple daily rejections from jobs I was applying for. My relationship was struggling in lockdown for a number of reasons. And I could feel myself falling off a cliff.

By mid April, my mental health took a huge nose dive. I had already been diagnosed with anxiety at the start of 2020 and medicated for it but I was then hit with a very dark depression that frightened me. I was medicated with Sertraline and I moved to my parents house because in all honesty I didn’t trust myself at home alone. I deactivated FB, stopped scrolling through IG and totally limited my exposure to the news. The negativity that was being spread was not helping my mind and I needed to be away from it.

At the start I felt like a muted zombie with an empty head full of bouncy balls that represented my thoughts. I didn’t want to be awake. I went to sleep each night (with sleeping pills) at 7pm. I suffered pretty horrific insomnia and when I did sleep I had torturous nightmares. Those close to me reached out, and I swerved their calls and ignored their texts. I didn’t want to exist. My mind obsessively went to some pretty horrible places. I remember very little of those first 10 days of taking sertraline. I know I watched all 7 series of Homeland in that time just so I didn’t have to think. I know I cried when my sister’s fiancé turned up with pancakes and Nutella just to cheer me up, I was overwhelmed with the kindness. I know I cried to my mum because I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Just as I was starting to feel the effects of the medication helping me to lift the fog, I was taken into hospital in excruciating pain and I soon found out I was suffering an ectopic pregnancy.

My hospital experience was mid pandemic, I had to be there totally alone from start to finish whilst experiencing my first pregnancy. During my scans there were suggestions of a tumour on my ovary rather than a pregnancy. Then a realisation that I was actually bleeding out internally - so I was rushed into surgery. My Fallopian tube burst as I reached theatre. I will never forget the pain. My next memory is being in recovery with the doctor telling me I had an irregular heartbeat that they were concerned about but also I’d tested positive for Covid, even though I was A-symptomatic at this point - 7 weeks after I was poorly with it. So I then became an isolated patient. I needed a vaccination because they discovered my blood type was trying to kill my baby (if it had made it to the womb), and I needed 10 daily injections to thin my blood because I had bled out quite severely into my pelvis.

I know some people will judge me for over sharing on here, but you should never judge anyone’s motives because you do not know the reasoning behind it. If you want to judge, or have a negative opinion on this post then unfriend me - I’m done with negativity, I’m done with punishing myself.

But if you’re interested, my reasoning is this.

Very few people had any idea what was happening to me in the last 3 months. This was because I physically couldn’t communicate. Those closest to me knew, my best friends were told and a couple of people worked out something was wrong and DMd me on IG - those 2 people will know who they are - and I want them to know how much them noticing saved me.

My mental health had been declining for a while and I was trying everything I could to fix it without openly accepting what was happening. CBD, Diet, a PT at the Gym, travelling less with work, spending more time with friends, coming off the pill. But nothing was making me feel better.

My reasons for sharing this ‘publicly’ is because I have spent a lot of time reading and learning about how to manage anxiety and depression. I learnt ways to try and categorise certain things that were happening in my head and how to fight them. I want to share these things going forward with my network that may also be struggling. Because I think a lot of people are like me - social media is used to pretend they’re happy. I also believe we need to work HARD to remove the stigma surrounding mental health. The more people that share their stories, the easier it’ll become to talk.

I also want to openly show my gratitude to the people shown in the first picture. These people picked me up and put me back together again without even being able to touch me. My mum looked after me at her house while I broke - she physically held me up and hugged my pieces back together again. She cried with me, fed me, forced me to get up, let me be sad, took me for walks, asked what my head was doing, asked me how I was feeling. The rest of the people in the picture showed me unbelievable patience, understanding and compassion. Some sent gifts, others spent hours on the phone to me telling me I was good enough, and some sent daily texts just to let me know they were thinking of me. I will be eternally grateful to these people who quite literally saved me. I have always said not to say ‘just reach out’ when talking about mental health because I have always known that’s not possible when you are suffering the black dog. But what IS important is those close to you reaching out. Noticing subtle differences in someone’s behaviour can literally save their life.

I have fought a good few battles during lockdown, none I expected, none I was ready for, none I knew how to manage. But as lockdown is eased, slowly so is my mind. I’m getting better day by day, I can feel emotions that aren’t just sadness again, I am trying to identify my issues and work with a therapist to address them and I am day by day trying to find positives - bunches of flowers, cheesecake deliveries, gifts, dog walks, sea air, hand holding, smiles, networking on LinkedIn, visits or walks with friends etc. My relationship is the best it’s ever been, my outlook on life is totally different, and my appreciation for my friends and family is even greater than before.

I desperately miss hugs, I miss my job, I miss who I used to be, I miss being carefree, I miss having fun. But I just keep telling myself all these things WILL come back and until then I have to live day by day and enjoy the ride.

I am continuing to educate myself on mental health and I would like to share what I learn with others. And you can bet your bottom dollar, if I see subtle changes in your behaviour, regardless of whether we are best friends or not, I will be asking you if you are ok, I will reach out, and I will offer you the patience and compassion that was given to me.