Felt cute, might delete later.

I'm not living, I'm existing.

I suppose in some ways I'm just trying to stay alive.

But then often, most days, I don't even want that.

I realised this after I spent the whole day in bed aimlessly watching Netflix after numerous invites to visit people, I made excuses and cancelled on everyone. I managed a shower and whilst up I forced myself to vacuum the house and clean one of the bathrooms so I felt that I at least achieved something. And then I got back into bed.

I thought my mental health was getting better, but after this last week, I feel I may be getting worse.

I have an appointment with my mental health nurse on Tuesday and I'm hoping we will increase my meds - although I'm fearful of the side effects to this. I am desperate to feel better. To feel happy. Content. At peace.

Instead, I've cried a lot this week. I've felt rejected and ignored almost daily. I've felt my existence means nothing to others. I've questioned my purpose.

I am consumed in thoughts of not existing anymore. I am so exhausted with my thoughts that I just want it all to stop now. I don't think people will be 'better off' without me here, I think I will be better off without me here. I won't be in this endless world of fighting with myself anymore.

It's selfish I know, when there are people losing family members to illnesses daily. But I am fighting every day, just to exist, and it's exhausting, especially when you are also consumed by guilt for feeling that way.

I realised I was just existing when I sat on my bed staring at the wall. A list of things as long as my arm that I could do. A list of things that might make me feel better. And not wanting, or having the energy to do any of them.

Just wanting to lay in bed, cuddle my dogs and disappear.

To be clear I'm not suicidal, I don't have plans to end my life. I just don't want to exist like this. I talk to my therapist about this a lot. I am consumed with those thoughts. She says they are called intrusive thoughts and you are supposed to acknowledge them and let them pass. But I also read that with OCD intrusive thoughts are impossible to manage because you obsess over them. Go figure. Those thoughts are also apparently a type of escapism.

This is all pretty painful to share and I am scared about what people will think when reading it.

I am writing this, firstly as a mind dump - it's supposed to help empty out my thoughts. But secondly because I hope I get better, and when I'm better, I hope I can read back on these blogs and learn from them.

I hope it goes some way into explaining what's going on in this messy brain of mine.

It's no one else's responsibility to make me better, except mine, but you can't help but want people just to show up and take care of you when you can't do it yourself. I don't want to ask. I don't want to 'reach out'. I just want to know that there are some people out there with the same expectations as me.

My therapist says I have to understand that just because I have certain life values, does not mean other people share the same ones. They might have core values that aren't that high up in my world. And I have to be ok with that.

So I am learning to accept that my expectations are just my own. And no one else deserves to be hated on for not sharing the same.

In the meantime I am actually trying to build a business, keep clients happy with my work, apply and interview for jobs, keep my dogs happy & healthy, be a good enough girlfriend, keep my house clean and try to communicate with friends and family.

I know I'm not a superhero, it's all basic stuff, that everyone has to do. I just want to look back one day and think, 'jesus I did all that whilst trying to stay alive'.

So I guess here's to just existing.

To fighting to stay alive.